Secrets

Locked up and secure

Where no one can reach it

It remains my very own secret

Reminding me that all was not well



I made a promise to myself

Not to tell anyone

And how the yearning to reveal it

Was suppressing me

Yet it remained

Reminding me that all was not well



How can people manage to

Keep secrets

Some years

Some days

Some even seconds!

Allowing them to occupy an important

Space in their heart?



Sleepless nights,

Irritable moods swings,

Pretending to be alright

When internally everything was all wrong

But when the cracks started to appear

I was left wandering

Who or what parts of it

Should I share

Could I even dare to?



After being reminded that

All was not well

With me

I got fed up…………

And spoke to God about it.



Elitha©2005

Tragic Lives - Part 1

The phone rings, I casually pick it up.

Your voice echoes…”hello, are you there?”
My response is a calm and polite, “yeah”
“Is that you Carl, is everything ok?”
You sound kinda distant and responded
“I just don’t know what to say” continuing with urgency
“I need you to come over,
Please, right away”
“Are Jen and the kids alright” I asked but before
I hear the phone go down,
I hear your words
“Quick now, don’t delay”

My driving became chaotic
As I think of what could be wrong
But my thoughts are interrupted by the radio playing
A favourite song
Hearing floetry sing “If I was bird, I’ll fly away………”
Before I knew it I was approaching your place

No lights could be seen coming from the house.

Left the car slowly
But my footsteps began to gather pace
As my heart started to beat faster
Not knowing what I was going to confront
But still trying to anticipate
By your facial expression
There was no way I could guess your fate
With your head now bowed
As I entered in
You whispered, “It’s too late”
No noise could be heard in the whole house
Buy an airy silence
As your words again began to resonate
“She’s gone”

I knew that things hadn’t been good
Between you lately
The arguments went from monthly
To daily
Was also aware that due to this
She began to stray
But you started to work it out
And her infidelity you forgave
I advised you both to see a counsellor
After all you had so much to offer
One another
You had two beautiful children
A girl for you and a boy for her
What more could anyone want or ask for?

You gave a big sigh
As if to signal, let it be
I couldn’t help but ask you
“Carl, why did she leave?”
Tired and frustrated you looked at me
And shouted “you just don’t understand”
With eyes wild but not with excitement
Shoved this letter in my hand……..

Elitha©2006

Tragic Live - Part 2

I stood still waiting looking at the letter
In my hand
As if by staring at its folded corners
The words would just jump off
Onto try land
Making it easy for me to understand
I looked up into your tear filled eyes
And saw there were tear stains also splattered
All over its page

So I read……

Before I go I just want to say
That the words that I spoke
To you just were unable to convey
What I really needed you to know
My indiscretion was a result of
My inner pain of losing
The intimacy we had once shared
And yes
I do care

I struggled so hard to understand
Why I had hurt you so
And the hate I feel towards myself
God only knows
But now I can only conclude
Its time for me to go

Leaving you and the kids is
The hardest thing to do
And if you think this decision
Is easy for me then I think you should
Know just how I tried to
Fight so hard that I could
Remain here with you
But the fact still kept coming back
Its time for me to go

So anger and disillusionment
I leave at this door
Feelings of resentment I now
Choose to ignore
I love you and that’s the only
Thing I know for sure
You’re the man I pledged to
Spend the rest of my life with
But now I’m walking thru this door

You see life now holds no meaning
It just doesn’t make any sense
Tell the children that I will always love them
And that my love is heaven sent
I will guide them
Be right beside them
And in the end their pain will end

Now don’t be angry with me and please try to forgive
And understand that
I have just lost the will to…….
Live
I don’t blame anyone but myself
Its all down to the choices that
I made
And the consequences of my choices
Seems to suggest the debt is too much
To pay
I can’t go on any longer and have finally
Agreed
With the words you’ve spoken
I am selfish and difficult to please
A whore in the making and so untrustworthy
So why should I be here
Its really time for me to leave

The feelings getting stronger
And the voice of reason is taking
A rest
My only resolve is to disappear
I think that's what's best
For you
For the children
For family
And friends
The world will surely shine much brighter
When this blot is put to rest

May you find the love
You surely and truly deserve
May peace and happiness follow you
And bad memories no more heard
Even your memories of me
Become a distant blur
And when the day is over
This truth you will surely know
That this relationship is over
Because
It was time for her to go

As I arrived at end I hear you crying uncontrollably
With my arms wrapped around you
I am thinking
This cannot be real
Soon someone will wake me
Saying you’re having a bad dream

In the distant we hear the phone ring
As the answer phone clicks in
The caller states
“Mr Johnson, this is accident and emergency, there’s been an
Incident and we need you to call us urgently”

Damn this shit is real!

Elitha©2006

I Am Not The Same

I

AM

NOT

THE

SAME

A GRADUAL REALISATION
BUT IT’S TRUE
I HARBOUR NO HARD FEELINGS
TOWARDS YOU
LETTING GO OF HATRED AND ANGER
WAS THE BEST THING I COULD DO
AFTER ALL
I’M RELEASHING ME AND NOT YOU!

JUSTIFIED I MAY BE
BUT I CAN NOW LOOK YOU
STRAIGHT IN THE EYE
NO LONGER INTERESTED IN
THE WHERE FORES AND
THE WHYS
REJECTING ANY LABELS
WANTING TO ATTACH ITSELF
TO ME

I’M NO VICTIM
AND DEFINITELY DON’T NEED SYMPATHY
OR EVEN YOUR
APOLOGY
IN FACT THIS HAS ONLY
STRENTHENED ME
AND GIVEN ME INSIGHT INTO
MY ABILITY TO FIGHT
AND TAKE BACK WHAT
BELONGS TO ME……….

MY DIGNITY

I

AM

NOT

THE

SAME

THE PERSON YOU ONCE KNEW
AGREED WITH EVERY WORD YOU SAID
STOOD SILENT IN YOUR PRESCENCE
ONLY SPOKE
WHEN YOU SAID I COULD
LOOKED FOR YOUR APPROVAL IN ALL THINGS
DESPITE THE BEATINGS
DIDN’T THINK I SHOULD
ARGUE AFTER ALL YOU WERE DOING
EVERYTHING FOR MY GOOD

REVERTING TO YOUR
OLD TRICKS OF BLAME
THIS TIME IT’S NOT GONNA WORK
SO YOU BETTER THINK AGAIN
TRYING TO CONVINCE ME
IT’S ALL IN MY HEAD
YOU ONLY WANT WHATS BEST FOR ME
AND DO NOT WANT ME HURT
BUT THE PHYSICAL SCARS
ARE EVIDENCE OF
YOUR WICKEDNESS INSTEAD
BRUTISH BEHAVIOUR
MANIPULATION
MENTAL BREAKDOWN
CONVINCING ME I AM WRONG
BABY I’M NO LONGER WEARING ROSE
TINTED GLASSES
AND I’M SINGING A NEW SONG

I

AM

NOT

THE

SAME


I am now free from your chains


Elitha©2006

A New Day

Woke up this morning
Uncertain what the future holds
But determined I’m gonna treat
Each day as a new beginning
From now on
No more side stepping
Procrastinating
Story telling and living on others dreams
No more reminiscing on all the
“What could have been”
Opportunity knocks and this time
I am in!

Taking my shower
And use this time to wash away
All of last year’s failures
Broken promises
Shattered dreams
Negative behaviour
Heartaches and pain
Can’t afford to let any of those remnants
Remain
It’s a new day

Whilst flossing my teeth
Now aware of the words
I now must speak into my life
Self blame and I have
Been in constant strife
But not anymore
Because I now choose to forgive
ME and bury those feelings
I once found hard to ignore
It’s a new day

No longer indecisive about what to wear
I’ve cleared out all my superficial gear
Clothed in commitment
To my purpose and goals
Attractive because now I am wearing
Gold
Not in terms of earrings and rings
But in
Confidence
Ambition
Tenacious in spirit
Selfless love and Giving
More time for me and of course to others
Now dressed and ready to be off
On my way
With a new hope
And a new me
On a new day

Look out world, here I come!

Elitha©2005